Surrender

Today was a very stressful day- for no reason that I could see. And I think that sometimes, God uses that to tell me to get away and spend some time with Him. So I took a walk tonight, and somewhere amidst the trees drying in the almost-warm breeze and the crying of my soul, I became still and listened instead of talked.

In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells us that if we want to find true life, we have to be willing to give up our lives for His sake. I've never had a problem with surrendering material things or worldly possessions, and I have no qualms about going anywhere or doing anything that God so desires. But tonight, in His quietly undeniable way, God reminded me that there is something I continue to hold on to- much as I hate to admit it. Though I truly desire to follow Him, I also desire a husband (or someone who will be my husband eventually). Someone who will be there to teach me and learn from me, someone I can depend on to protect and care for me.

But tonight, God really broke me down. It was like He was saying aren't I good enough? and haven't I told you I'm all you'll ever need? My "yes, but..."s were drowned out by the verse in 2 Corinthians: "My grace is sufficient for you..." Sufficient meaning all I need. Or will ever need. I don't need another person to make me feel complete because God has filled the void in my life. I don't need the acceptance or even love of others because He loves me more than anyone else ever could. And, most of all, I need to give God my desire for a husband so that I can find that my true life and significance lie only in the love of Christ.

Elisabeth Elliot, in Passion and Purity, points out that "if the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Are not they given to us to offer?" Desiring a husband, in itself, is not a bad thing- God created us for relationships! But holding onto that desire is what causes a rift in my relationship with God. I'm learning (slowly but surely) to trust in Him with all my heart in the matters of my heart and let Him be all I need until He decides to bring the right person into my life.